Patriots, how many time have you opened a newspaper or turned on the news only to read about or hear a report on a vicious bushytail attack?
The fact that these attacks regularly occur is disturbing enough. However, it's the failure of the news media to report what actually happened that concerns us most.
Take for example the following news brief. It recounts how New Jersey police subdued a maniacal groundhog...
NJ cops use pepper spray on aggressive groundhog
The Associated Press - 07/24/2009
BOONTON, N.J. Police in northern New Jersey needed pepper spray to thwart a groundhog on the attack. Boonton resident Alex Scott told police the rodent chased him when he entered his garage and tried to get his truck. Police Sgt. Mike Danyo and Officer Paul Ryan said the groundhog went on the attack when they arrived.
Police said Danyo tripped and fell. His partner sprayed pepper spray into the groundhog's face, giving the officers time to snare it.
The animal was euthanized and its remains will be shipped to the state health department for rabies testing.
So, what's wrong with this picture? Let's take it point by point...
No one identifies the groundhog as a skwerl: as a member of the squirrel family (Sciuridae) and one of many skwerliens in the genus Marmota, the groundhog (Marmota monax) is the largest nutzy infesting North America.
Often viewed as fat, lumbering and lazy, they are, in fact, dangerous, burrowing chitterboxes whose "natural impulse is to kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" according to Doug Schwartz of the Staten Island Zoo.
This important fact is not even mentioned in the new brief.
What was the g-hawg doing in the garage in the first place? This obvious question isn't even addressed.
However, we've published article after article documenting groundhog and marmot attacks on vehicles (see links below). Unbelievably, groundhogs can disable a car in a matter of seconds and relish the taste of anti-freeze (click g-hawg for comment).
So, can there be any doubt that the g-hawg planned to nick Mr. Scott's truck or at the very least sabotage it?
Is the "rabies" angle part of a cover up? Certainly, we've seen media agents of skwerlhuggery play the insanity card before. Almost every report of chitterbox mayhem is accompanied by speculation that the poor bushytail is rabid and not responsible for it's actions. The fact is, rabies in squirrels is practically nonexistent... except in marmots and groundhogs.
So, what about this 'hawg? According to the Asscoiated Press, Sandy Burkhardt, assistant animal control officer for the Boonton township, said test results from the state Department of Health and Senior Services determined the rodent was rabid.
Can we trust Ms. Burkhardt's statement? After all, it's essentially hearsay and it wouldn't be the first time the truth was buried in the name of science.
Isn't it just as likely that bushytail horde has a "rage virus" in its arsenal? Of course, this is the only rational conclusion. This bio-weapon is injected by skwerlien operatives before missions. It gives them the edge needed to take down much larger adversaries and, if captured, to blame the assault on rabies...
What's to blame for this crime? A pumped-up hyper-nutzy or a simple case of rabies?
Patriots, this brings us back to the fact that g-hawgs are skwerls. There are those who are unaware of this and, apparently, a large percentage of the ignorant are employed by the media.
Therefore, we offer some video information on groundhogs. We hope that by "knowing the enemy" we all can be better prepared to oppose squirrel world domination in all its insidious, myriad forms...
KNOW THE ENEMY: CLICK SCREENSHOTS FOR INFORMATIVE VIDEOS
HAWG! THE GROUNDHOG CONSPIRACY
MARMOTS VS. MACHINE
MEALTIME IN MONGOLIA
THE TROLLS AT TOKOPAH
MARMOT PHOTO GALLERY
DO SQUIRRELS HIBERNATE
WIKIPEDIA GROUNDHOG PAGE
GROUNDHOG FACT SHEET
MORE WHEN SKWERLS ATTACK
CLICK FOR LARGE VERSION
Thanx to Patriot Renee for tipping us to this story