Patriots, the following report broke in January 2009, and the culprits, maniacal chitterboxes, were identified but the motive for this inflammatory assault was never revealed...
Squirrels have been blamed for setting a former attorney general's house on fire.
7:33pm UK, Thursday January 08, 2009; Source: Sky News
The rodents are believed to have gnawed their way through cables, sparking the blaze at the property belonging to former MP Lord Mayhew on Wednesday afternoon.
Firefighters battled the flames for almost two hours at the two-storey cottage in Goudhurst, near Cranbrook, Kent, currently inhabited by tenants.
Lord Mayhew told the Kent Messenger: "The fire broke out in a void behind an airing cupboard and the most probable cause was squirrels chewing through cables." (Click skwerl for comment)
A spokeswoman for Kent Fire and Rescue Service estimated about 90% of the first floor and roof void had been "severely damaged".
"The rest of the property was damaged by smoke and heat," she said.
But Lord Mayhew said he was confident restoration of the 1890s property is possible.
Four rescue crews attended the fire at 12.39pm.
The spokeswoman added that the cause of the fire was as yet unknown but squirrels chewing wires, and the wires igniting, "does sometimes happen".
So, what motive would the bushytail horde have for burning down Lord Mayhew's property? There are a number of possible reasons. The three leading theories are:
The attack is in retaliation for government efforts to cull the gray squirrel population: we could find no direct link between Lord Mayhew and the recent gray skwerl culls in the UK. Although a former MP (Member of Parliment, 1974-1992) and Attorney General for England, Wales, and Northern Ireland from 1987-1992, it apears that the Tory Lord was focused on finding a solution to the Troubles in the north of Ireland rather than opposing the UK's skwerlien menace.
The property's tenants were the target of the attack: it's entirely possible that the people occupying the cottage offended the local nutzys in some way. Perhaps they failed to offer proper tribute to the chitterboxes. Or maybe they own an aggressive dog, cat, or other anti-skwerl animal. Unfortunately, the tenants issued no statement and their current whereabouts are unknown.
The attack was seemingly random, but part of an ongoing skwerlball terror campaign: a simple search of news archives provides ample evidence of arsonist skwerl attacks year after year after year (see search box below). The attacks fit no specific pattern, occur world-wide, but are clearly designed to terroize the population and spread squirrel world domination.
The attack was the work of Angry Ballon Skwerl: some of you may remember our feature "Mystical Skwerl Sightings" which ran prior to the turn of the last century. It seemed that as the millennium approached, the number of people claiming to have seen a "mystical" skwerl increased. One anonymous viewer wrote:
"On my eighth birthday, my parents gave me a party. It was in our back yard. All my friends came and my parents gave each a balloon with a different animal on it when they arrived. The balloons where made of some sort of shiny metallic material.
As the party went along the balloons were discarded one by one and they drifted up into the sky. But one, a squirrel, tangled in the power line behind our house. This caused some sparking and ignited the dry grass in a vacant lot. Nothing too serious but the fire department came and gave my parents a stern lecture about the dangers of that type of balloon.
That night, I had a terrible dream. In it I saw a flaming Angry Balloon Squirrel who had the power to start fires and burn down the world. It was coming after me and my parents... I woke up screaming!!!
Now, I know that I witnessed a mystical squirrel in my dream and that whenever there's a squirrel caused fire, even if it's blames on a live squirrel, it was really Angry Balloon Squirrel who did it!!!!!"
Patriots, we remain appalled that the authorities never determined a motive for the attack on Lord Mayhew's property. However, the lesson to be learnd is, regardless of the bushytail horde's motives, they'll stop at nothing to bring squirrel world domination to fruition. Therefore, let us remain ever vigilant and always prepared to do the right thing in opposition to their nutzy schemes.
CLICK SCREENSHOTS TO SEE ARSONIST SKWERLS IN ACTION
ANARCHY UK: CULLING ALL SKWERLS
ARE THERE SQUIRRELS IN HEAVEN
MORE WHEN SKWERLS ATTACK
SEARCH THE WEB FOR MORE INFO ON FIRE SKWERLS:
ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by this beastly attack? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression... JOIN SKWERLHUGGERS ANONYMOUS
thanx to Patriot Rene for tipping us to this story
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