Patriots, a recent news report of a skwerlien rampage in the town of North, South Carolina caught our attention, but not for the usual reasons.
According to the report, an over-abundance of skwerls is causing problems in this small town about 95 miles north-west of Charleston.
By itself, this is hardly news. the bushytail horde is continuously trying to overrun neighborhoods, towns, cities, states, provinces, countries, and the whole planet in the name of squirrel world domination.
What makes this assault different are claims that the slavering nutzys are staging vicious home invasions via... toilets. Consider the following news brief:
Patriots, the events recounted in the news clip have most of the elements of a Squirrel Enforcement Army attack on a peaceful communtiy: chitterboxes described as "educated," desperate pleas for help from residents to frustrated local authorities, and the rise of vigilantism as society breaks down under the skwerlien assault.
However, one element is missing. Proof that skwerls attack through toilets. So how can we be certain that the events described actually happened, or are they the product of a collective delusion or a hoax of some kind?
Long-time readers will not be surprised by what follows. We have documented toilet skwerl attack after toilet skwerl attack over the years with such exposés as It Came from Within and Flush Twice, It's A Long Way to the Tree.
However, some of you may find the following disgusting and disturbing. We certainly won't fault you for looking away, but the proof is undeniable, toilet skwerls are a common menace...
There you have it, Patriots. More objective evidence that the drooling nut crunchers will stop at nothing to bring squirrel world domination to fruition. So, how can you eliminate the threat of a maniacal toilet skwerl invading your home?
Our experts tell us that blocking entrances to plumbing vents is the best line of defense. A heavy gauge wire mesh should discourage the bushytail horde from slithering through a vent.
We've also surmised that a self-flushing toilet may send the crazed skwerlien on its way to the local sewage treatment facility (click skwerl for audio comment).
Finally, like the good Patriots of North, South Carolina, we must all stand ready to drive the bushytail horde from our communities before their presence escalates into a crisis that will eventually destroy civilization.