The following report of a horrific skwerl attack doesn't rise to the atrocity level of some nutzy assaults, but it does teach a valuable lesson...
Squirrels go nuts
The Northern Echo UK
RAMPAGING squirrels are attacking nurses on their way to work, meaning health chiefs have been forced to give advice to their employees to protect them from the animals.
Staff in Langley Park, County Durham, have been told to wear protective headgear, walk in pairs and carry umbrellas after a nurse was singled out by the furry fiends.
Apparently two grey squirrels approached the woman because they thought she might feed them nuts. The district nurse was visiting a farm in Langley Park when the anti-social rodents struck.
A Department of Health spokesman said: "The hospital involved sent out guidance that nurses should be careful and wear protective headgear or carry an umbrella.
"The guidance says that they should walk in pairs. It is in case someone is injured and falls unconscious, so the other one can get help."
No official report has been submitted to the Department of Health, but the spokesman said advice had been issued in the wake of the attack, which left the victim with a "reddening of the scalp".
The nurse rated the severity of the incident as "moderate" on a scale of "insignificant to catastrophic" in a work accident report log.
Patriots, it painfully clear what's going here. The slavering chiterboxes attacked the nurse because she failed to bow to squirrel world domination and offer them tribute (in effect, nuts in exchange for protection).
Patriots, we live in a dangerous world where terrorist chitterboxes lurk in trees, behind bushes, in underground burrows, and even in plain sight always waiting to attack the unwary and unprepared. You must remain ever-vigilant to protect yourselves and your loved ones or be ready to live under the skwerlball oppression of squirrel world domination...
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