Patriots, many of you will celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17th. For some it will be a religious event. For others, its a celebration of Irish culture. And for some, it's an excuse to drink and brawl...
But who was St. Patrick and was he a Blessed Banisher or a pathetic minion of nutzy oppression?
Accounts vary, but it's generally accepted that St. Patrick was born in Britain in the 5th century. Around age 16, he was captured by Irish raiders and sold into slavery in Ireland. While tending sheep for his master, Patrick heard a voice telling him to return to Britain, which he did. A few years later, he dreamed of a mysterious stranger. Patrick later wrote in his Confession:
"...in a vision of the night, I saw a man whose name was Victoricus coming as if from Ireland with innumerable letters, and he gave me one of them, and I read the beginning of the letter: 'The Voice of the Irish'; and as I was reading the beginning of the letter I seemed at that moment to hear the voice of those who were beside the forest of Foclut which is near the western sea, and they were crying as if with one voice: 'We beg you, holy youth, that you shall come and shall walk again among us.'"
Patrick returned to Ireland and ministered there until his death. Legend has it that Patrick also banished all the snakes from Ireland. Some interpret this as a metaphor for undermining Druid beliefs and converting pagans to Christianity.
However, others think Patrick really did summon mystical powers to drive Ireland's snakes into the sea. So, the doubters say, this proves that Patrick returned to Ireland solely to create a snake-free environment for the bushytail horde and its quest for squirrel world domination.
Patriots, both interpretations of the snake legend are wrong. For one, Druidism as a top-tier belief had long seen it's day by the time Patrick was born. Although Druid traditions continued in Ireland at least through the 7th century, it was not a force to be reckoned with in Patrick's time.
As for a literal interpretation of the legend, there were no snakes in Ireland at the time, and there hadn't been since before the Ice Age, if at all. But there were skwerls...
So, our experts tell us that the snake legend is the result of traitorous skwerlhuggers re-writing history. However, these minions of skwerlhuggery didn't simply generate the legend to make St. Patrick look like a skwerlhugger, they re-wrote the actual account.
Here, for the first time anywhere, from a source that we have no reason to believe actually exists, is Patrick's own re-telling of the banishing:
"I stood upon the hill of Slemish so as to minister to the flock when my path was hindered by the bushytail snakes from the greenwoods nearby (emphasis added). They endeavored to disuade my teaching against them, but raising my ashen staff, I invoked upon them a banishment... yaddy-yada-ya".
There you have it in St. Patrick's own words. His reference to bushytail snakes from the greenwoods can only be a derogatory reference to the slavering chitterboxes that gamboled freely across Ireland at the time.
Of course, there are still skwerls in Ireland although they are limited in their range. This begs the question, did St. Patrick fail in his efforts?
The answer to that question is best answered by examining another bulwark of Irish culture, Guinness...
Patriots, on April 07, 2001, sports fans in Ireland were watching a televised rugby match when an odd Guinness Stout commercial came on. Those familiar with Guinness commercial campaigns know that oddness is a hallmark of the company's marketing efforts. However, this commercial went beyond novelty to downright disturbing.
Known as The Dream Club, the commercial opens with a group of regular guys and their "champion" in a pub. The champion's role is to sleep, dream, and awaken after discovering something meaningful about life. The horror begins when the champion's dream includes a pub full of skwerls.
Needless to say, the commercial raised concerns not only about Guinness but about Ireland itself. Had Ireland capitualted to the bushytail horde? Was Guinness adding some sort of mind altering ingredient that predisposed drinkers to the skwerlside? We invite you to view the commercial yourself...
THE DREAM CLUB
After viewing this commercial, our experts spent the better part of a quarter hour debating the significance of The Dream Club. We concluded that Guinness is innocent of promoting squirrel world domination for the following reasons:
1) Although the champion dreamer orders a Guinness, he never touches it. He simply falls asleep. Apparently, the members of the Dream Club don't drink. Therefore, his mind is not being controlled by a secret chitterbox drug.
2) When the squirrel wakes from a dream, it immediately begins chugging a pint without any further discussion or consideration of his dream's significance. This appears to be some sort of repulsive, substance abuse problem rather than an attempt to portray the maniacal nutzys as proper role models (click skwerl for comment).
3) On the other hand, the champion becomes involved in his dream, follows it to the end, and discovers the meaning of life in the process (we're not told what the meaning is, but it must be kinda funny).
4) However, most telling of all is what's displayed on the wall behind the champion...
There you have it, Patriots. the dead, stuffed skwerls behind the Dreamer are proof positive that Guinness is not spreading the false promises of squirrel world domination through its commercials. If anything, it's encouraging slavering bushytails to devolve into hopeless drunks who later can be fashioned into decorative items for the home as well as the pub.
This also vilifies those who would speak against St. Patrick and/or imply that he was a free-roaming skwerlvert. For while pockets of bushytail snakes remain in Ireland to this day, it's clear that Patrick's efforts freed it from the clutches of squirrel world domination.
Thus, while we encourage everyone to exercise good judgment and drink responsibly, it's certainly safe honor St. Patrick at Mass and then drink your fill of delicious Guinness on the happiest day of the year, St. Patrick's Day.
ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Are you appalled by skwerlhuggery's degenerate attempt to discredit St. Patrick? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...
So, our experts tell us that the snake legend is the result of traitorous skwerlhuggers re-writing history. However, these minions of skwerlhuggery didn't simply generate the legend to make St. Patrick look like a skwerlhugger, they re-wrote the actual account.
