scary squirrel world ITCHY'S FOWL FETISH
photo by John Coxon

We often receive corrspondence from unrepentant skwerlhuggers proclaiming their love of and loyalty to the bushytail horde. Some include photographs of their skwerlien masters as if photos will convince us that skwerls are nice. These we publish in our "Profiles in Terror" or "Skwerlhuggers Anonyomous" sections as circumstance demands (see links below).

Recently, we received an email from skwerlhugger Frank about an urban menace: Itchy the Skwerl. Using descriptors such as favorite, cute, resorceful, and captured my heart, it's clear that Mr. Frank has fully succumbed to the false promises of squirrel world domination...

I have an interesting tale or tail about my favorite squirrel "Itchy".

I live in Flushing (Queens), NY (in the big city). I just moved into this condo unit. My second day in my new home I found a visitor on my patio, keep in mind I live on the 3rd floor: a cute resourceful squirrel named 'Itchy" - I named him this due to his scratching habits. I went onto my patio and he got on his hind legs and stood upright and put his right paw in the air - I could swear he said "HELLO".

From that day on he's captured my heart. I feed him daily- fresh nuts and fruits. But strangely enough I was floored when I saw where his nest was. It was on the left side of an air conditioning unit (see enclosed picture).

Itchy the Skwerl - resourceful urbanite or bushytail thug?
I watched him 1 day as he climbed down to the street, patio by patio until he got to the sidewalk where he foraged for food. Then after about 20 minutes he would gather as much paper that he can fit in his mouth and bring it up to pad his nest.. WOW!...

However, I wonder why he doesn't stay in the trees with the other squirrels. He's a bit of a loner and renegade. I believe he thinks he is a pigeon. There are pigeons nesting in the other windows that have A/C's above him.. I will forward you his progress from time to time. I've lived here for 4 months now. And Itchy is doing great. He's always chasing the pigeons while foraging for food, and I guess he feels he shouldn't have to share his food with anybody...

I hope you enjoyed my tailllllllll....
Frank

CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER Mr. Frank's missive suggests that Itchy is a complete lunatic, and that may be true. Or perhaps, as a resident of Queens, he's just a bit eccentric (click Itchy for comment).

But skwerlhugger Frank's report also points to another issue. Note that he writes, "I believe (Itchy) thinks he is a pigeon."

Well, we routinely receive correspondence from Patriots, skwerlhuggers, and Citizens alike claiming that there's some sort of pigeon-skwerl conspiracy afoot.

For years we ignored these claims; dismissed them as fanciful musings and nothing more. But the sheer number of claims finally convinced us to look closer and what we found will shock you. Consider the photos below...

In the photos above, we clearly see maniacal chitterboxes in close proximity to pigeons. However, it is unclear what, if anything, is going on. Perhaps the meeting is coincidental; as in animals with similar feeding habits will congregate where there's food. However, the following photos begin to define the conspiracy...

The photographs above indicate more than a casual connection between the bushytail horde and pigeons. They show obviously zombified skwerlhuggers lavishing tribute on slavering skwerlballs while pigeons patrol nearby. There are only two possible reasons for this skwerl-pigeon interaction:

1) Skwerls hang around pigeons to make themselves look good. Research shows that most people would rather give a peanut to a coyingly cute chittterbox than a cooing, crapping, lice-infested pigeon.

2) Pigeons are skwerlien minions who help enforce squirrel world domination. In exchange, skwerls allow pigeons to skim off some of the tribute offered by skwerlhuggers and ignorant, but inncocent Citizens.

Patriots, pathetic skwerlhuggers will dispute our findings and conclusions, but there appears to be no substantial evidence to dispute an obvious pigeon-skwerl conspiracy. Consider this final offering...

CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER
Tufty and friends - click for comment

The photo above shows the head of the Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA), Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel, captured (on film) as he left England's Southport Flower Show in August 2005. Tufty refused comment, but according to an informed source, he is flanked by his pigeon bodyguards, Star of Bali (R) and Mr. Peckerwood (L)... Need we say more?

This brings us back to skwerlhugger Frank's friend, Itchy. Does he, as Frank says, think he's a pigeon? Or isn't more likely that he's an enforcer for the SEA?

CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER Skwerlhugger Frank reveals the truth with his own words: "He's always chasing the pigeons while foraging for food, and I guess he feels he shouldn't have to share his food with anybody..." And quoting from a follow-up email, "Im still trying to get a pic of him beating up a pigeon..."

There you have it, Patriots. Proof positive that Itchy the Skwerl is the SEA's enforcer in Queens (click Itchy for comment).

So, Itchy may be a fine example of urban wildlife surviving under adverse conditions, but that fact simply underlines the threat the bushytail horde poses to civilization. Thus, we must implore skwerlhugger Frank to turn from the skwerlside and head back into the light of humanity. Do not be beguiled by Itchy's fuzzily cute ways and let us all be ever-vigilant in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination...

EPILOGUE:
I sent you some pics of ITCHY a while back...

Guess what, he is a she and has had a litter - take a look - tribe a brewin... ~Frank


READER COMMENTS

Personally... I love the little critters. I put corn and other food out for my wee tribe daily. The only problem is, if I forget to put the food out. One time I had the flu and was stuck inside for three days and when I came out of my house, I had 3 (THREE!) squirrels hanging out on the limbs of a tree. They were right over my head and they all started throwing empty NUT SHELLS at me! I'll admit that I found this a little alarming BUT .. Once I put their food out again, they mellowed right out and gave me their big toothy cutey pie smiles. (God help me if I ever lose my job and can't afford to feed them though!) I say, think of the squirrel as your best friend and buddy... but make SURE to remember to feed them if you've started to.. for if you don't ...well...(evil music plays in background), you'd best keep your head covered cuz those nut shells can hurt!

Thanks!
Skwelhugger Ghost


I agree. Squirrel domination is a factor to be cautious of. Someday, when all our backs are turned, they will strike!
Quote: He's setting them up for the kill!! I actually have a squirrel in my neighborhood that kills and eats sparrows. Had no idea squirrels were carnivores. I hate him/them now for the "rats" they apparently are... You know, House Sparrows will kill other birds too... particularly defenseless baby birds and eggs. They'll kill them and then take the nest. Sparrows aren't so innocent after all.
Pigeons and squirrels are one and the same - the devil's sperm. They watch us constantly and prepare the world for the coming of the antichrist. On a serious note, which is the better ammo .22 hollow point or standard slugs ? Apart from a head shot, is there another good body shot that will put a squirrel down with one shot ?

Ed. note: The .22 Long Rifle rimfire cartridge and the .22 Winchester Magnum are the top choice of squirrel hunters who use rifles. You can do better with .17 rimfire cartridges. Hollow point or standard? Doubt that's a serious question and doubt it makes a difference considering the small size of the critter. Head or body shot? Assuming you're hunting for food (and aren't into eating skwerl brains), the head shot is best even if it's the most difficult.
OK, I'm sure of it. You're American.
We use the pidgeons for transportation, and bodygaurds. Have you ever flown in the back of one of the birds? it's really quite fun, actually. ~Iza, the Squirrel Child of the Demon of the Dark
I think Frank has a good heart. Nothing else really matters, does it?
He's setting them up for the kill!! I actually have a squirrel in my neighborhood that kills and eats sparrows. Had no idea squirrels were carnivores. I hate him/them now for the "rats" they apparently are.
please advise me on squirrel life, just minor from birth until adult hood. are they kicked out of the family when they are grown ? if you don't have the time, please let me know where i can find this information. respectifully, i find this subject very interesting. ~tern

Ed. note: we recommend Animal Diversity Web and Wikipedia for more information
I'm itching to find out more about this skwerlduggery.
Itchy is amazing! A true Ameican hero!
sweet as a nut. we are all doooooooomed i say..... run!!!! hide!!!!!!, the birds they are traders we will get them for that we will defend the world we will win. obla doooga shmaga loo waaaaa!!!
ur a loser who makes a website about squirrles why dont u make like a squirrel and go suck a nut hahahahaha
Dont forget the chipmunks,they also are in collaboration with the fluffytails.
hahaa my opinion is its funny
Loved it..
grimey
don't red tail hawks eat squirrels?
Is Itchy being sucked into the air vent?
thats cute...
who the hell would have the time to whatch squirrles all day? someone who's about to get ambushed thats who. you think they're just trying to get by ijn life well in fact their plotting for total domination. they want you to think they're alone but there's always anotherone waiting to trip you when. least expect it!! I believe iun the end the only ones who really know thier plot would be the pigeons, how do yoiu think some of us humans foud out about this. Its Scandle and Disease I tell you!!!!!!!!
It's happening all over! i live in portsmouth, england, UK and me and my fellow students were enjoying a lovely summers day in our local park on lunch break and we started getting hassled by squirrels.

we caught one in a bag then threw it, it hit a tree REAL hard but when we got to the bag it was empty. then we noticed in the tree next to us a squirrel sat side by side with a pigeon looking strait at us.

since then we've noticed more and more squirrel/pigeon companions we thought it was just us now we know the truth BEWARE it's WORLD-WIDE!!! thanks for the whacking stick idea!

from your over sea's pal,
Mikey B. OF Portsmouth, England, UK

 

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CHEAP BEER SQUIRREL
MEET SKWERL BALSAC
SKWERLHUGGERS ANONYMOUS
THE WILD SIDE OF NEW YORK
EFFECT OF CITY LIFE ON ANIMALS


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Thanx to skwerlhugger Frank for making this feature possible
Additional photo credits: John Coxon; Jeff Bearer; Dave Baynham; Nicola Salmoria