SURPRISE SQUIRREL EXPOSED
Patriots, we all know that pathetic skwerlhuggers love to release photos and videos of their bushytail overlords. They figure that an amusing photo or video of a chitterbox will turn others to the skwerlside.
One of the first chitterbox photos on the web was "Cheap Beer Squirrel." The photo itself actually predates the web. Photographed by Betty France, Cheap Beer Squirrel has been in circulation for over 14 years.
Unfortunately, time hasn't tempered squirrelhuggery's need to overexpose nutzy imagery on the web. Worse, large scale photo and video dumps such as Flickr and YouTube make it easier than ever to publish skwerlien propaganda.
Fortunately, most chitterbox photos and videos go unnoticed, but some take on a life of their own, spreading and poisoning the minds of the innocent around the world.
Many of you will recall the menace posed by "Drama Prairie Dog." Also known as Dramatic Prairie Dog, image and video clips of DPD saturated the web.
The photos and videos displayed some circumstance or situation from which DPD dramatically looked away and into the eyes of the viewer. Some found this to be a near-mystical experience and ascribed all manner of messianic qualities to DPD.
Of course, scary squirrel world exposed DPD for what he really is: a paid actor in the employ of squirrel world domination (see link below)
Now comes another viral bushytail image known as "Surprise Squirrel" or "Crasher Squirrel".
SS's image was captured by Melissa Brandt in Canada's Banff National Park. She set her camera's timer and ran back to join her husband. Supposedly, SS just popped into the frame at the moment the camera snapped the picture. Ms. Brandt uploaded it to National Georgraphic (a known tool of squirrel world domination) on August 07, 2009. From there it spread.
On August 12 at 3:26 p.m., one of our North American operatives alerted us to SS. Within hours, agents around the globe were reporting the same. And shortly after that the web was flooded with photos of SS in all sorts of supposedly amusing situations...
So what are we to make of this? An amusing incident good naturedly taken to the extreme? Or a horrific nutzy plot?
Patriots, we note that the squirrel in question, it appears to be a Richardson's ground squirrel, is known to communicate in ultrasound.
It's also well known, although there is absolutely no objective evidence of this, that ultrasound is imprinted on digital images as it occurs. Thus, a recording of the bushytail's ultrasonic voice is embedded in Ms. Brandt's image.
Retrieving the skwerl's message is hardly an effort. Our experts simply loaded the image into a specially modified version of Audio Paint v2.1, retrieved the nutzy's ultrasonic voice from the image, and converted it into English. Don't believe it? Observe the 35 second video clip of the conversion, but be warned, what you're about to hear is very disturbing...
Patriots, there you have it... Had Surprise Squirrel not been distracted by the camera, he might not have noticed that it was his lunch time and gamboled off. Then, Ms. Brandt and her husband would have suffered... well, you get the picture.
And in the interest of public safety, we must state that Surprise Squirrel's current whereabouts are unknown.
ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by Surprise Squirrel's true intentions? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression... JOIN SKWERLHUGGERS ANONYMOUS
SURPRISE SQUIRREL ON THE NEWS (VIDEO)
SURPRISE SQUIRREL ON THE TODAY SHOW (VIDEO)
CHEAP BEER SKWERL EXPOSED
DRAMA PRAIRIE DOG EXPOSED
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? SKWERLS AND ULTRASOUND
SURPRISE SQUIRREL ON NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
CRASHER SQUIRREL ON BUZZFEED
RICHARDSON'S GROUND SQUIRREL WIKI
AUDIO PAINT HOME PAGE
Thanx to Nancy, Panu, et al; title photo by Ron Lacey
all others: thanx to the uploaders; video by ssw