scary squirrel world 2012: COUNTDOWN TO CRISIS?
 

Patriots, if you've browsed through our exposés of squirrel world domination and the question of skwerls in heaven, then you know about pathetic skwerlhuggers.

Pathetic skwerlhuggers come in three varieties: those who love-love-love skwerls no matter what, those that love-love-love skwerls and support squirrel world domination, and those that love-love-love skwerls, support squirrel world domination, and believe that a Glorious White Mystical Nice Squirrel will come to set everything right. The latter group, those who believe in a Mystical Nice Squirrel, are adherents of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery (see our Skwerls in Heaven feature linked below).

What separates Orthodox Skwerlites from practioners of most other messianic religions is their unwavering belief that the Nice Squirrel will will show up on a specific date termed the "Arrival". Other religions wisely prophesize that their deity is on the way but the exact arrival date is uncertain. The one similarity is the prediction that the Nice Squirrel will be pissed off at anyone who doesn't bow down to it when it gets here.

CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER Our long time readers know that we've kept track of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery's "Arrival" predictions with some bemusement. First, there was some comet that came and went without the Nice Squirrel disembarking in 1997. Then there was the Y2K Skwerl. Another no show in 2000. A lame explanation for the Arrival's postponement followed: "we really meant the Nice Squirrel will come in 2001 which is the new millennium's real beginning."

Right. Except the Nice Squirrel didn't show up then, either (click Nice Skwerl for hideous chitter). So, we're bemused because we can't figure out why Orthodox Skwerlhuggers would even try to come up with another Arrival date. But here it is: 2012.

Apparently, the Nice Squirrel was on the Mayans' mind when they formulated a calendar ending in 2012. The general hype is that the world will end in 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends. However, Othodox Skwerlhuggers disagree that an apocalyptic event will snuff us out. They say the world as we know it will end with the Arrival of the Nice Squirrel at midnight on December 21, 2012 (and those that don't bow down will be snuffed out).

Patriots, you can't make this kind of stuff up. Here are two emails we received that prompted this report:

It just so happens that the squirrel is honored as a hero god by many indigenous people... namely the Huichol Indians. In their story of Creation, it was the grey squirrel that escorted the Sun on its first journey across the sky and built an altar in the West. The wolves and jaguars killed the squirrel out of jealousy. To this day, the Huichol honor the squirrel as a hero god. And in the Yucatan, whenever there is a carving of a squirrel, the emblem of the Sun is emblazoned on it's head to designate it as a member of a higher class. Did you know that the only reason the world hasn't totally self destructed is because of the balance being held by the millions of squirrels shining their light! LONG LIVE THE FURRY TAILED BODDHISATTVAS!!! ~Anonymous

Huichol stich art

and then there's this more specific prediction...

YOUR 'PATRIOT' TIME IS UP SUCKERS!!!!!!!! THe Mayans had your nuumber a long time ago. It's not going to be some earth destroying thing that will happen. Theres going to be a huge chittering that will riase up from all us squirells as our GOD SQUIRRL comes down from the sky and devours every last one of you. That's happening you can't stop it on decdember 21, 2012 - so NO xmas for you SUCKERS!!!!! ~anonymous

Ok. We did some research on the subject of indigenous people and squirrels.

Focusing on the Americas, we did find a general correlation between the bushytail horde and the myths and legends found in some cultures.

This held true from the frozen north to the tropical south. For example, the Nisga'a people in Canada honor the White Squirrel as the war-like chief of all skwerls.

As for the Mayan's, we found that there was a Mayan ruler during the Late Classic Period named Smoking Squirrel.

Smoking Squirrel became leader of the Naranjo Maya in 693 at the age of 5, presumably too young to smoke. Playing to Orthodox Skwerlhuggery's vanity, we can surmise that the name "Smoking" did not refer to the act but to a color: white.

Unfortunately, for Orthodox Skwerlhuggery, there is no evidence that any indigenous people believed that there is a Mystical Nice Squirrel who'll set everything right, and certainly nothing to indicate that the Mayan's believed in Skwerlhuggery's Arrival prophesy.

Patriots, regardless of our objective research and findings, there's no way to convince the followers of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery that a Nice Squirrel is a figment of the imagination and that it's just as unlikely that it'll show up on December 21, 2012, as at any time before.

Nonetheless, we've created this countdown page to remind us that we must remain ever vigilant in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination. That includes being prepared to dispatch the Nice Squirrel back to the skwerlien hell from which it sprang should it actually exist and decide to hit the floor slavering in 2012.

Let's Rock! With Tufty!

TUFTY SINGS EVE OF DESTRUCTION

IRATE ANONYMOUS SKWERLHUGGER COMMENT:

It just so happens that the squirrel is honored as a hero god by many indigenous people... namely the Huichol Indians. In their story of Creation, it was the grey squirrel that escorted the Sun on its first journey across the sky and built an altar in the West. The wolves and jaguars killed the squirrel out of jealousy. To this day, the Huichol honor the squirrel as a hero god. And in the Yucatan, whenever there is a carving of a squirrel, the emblem of the Sun is emblazoned on it's head to designate it as a member of a higher class. Did you know that the only reason the world hasn't totally self destructed is because of the balance being held by the millions of squirrels shining their light! LONG LIVE THE FURRY TAILED BODDHISATTVAS!!! ~Anonymous

 

RELATED SITES/TOPICS
SQUIRREL WORLD DOMINATION EXPOSED
ARE THERE SQUIRRELS IN HEAVEN
SKWERLPOCALYPSE NOW


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