scary squirrel world

Patriots, many of you like baseball and we do, too. The game, the enthusiastic crowds, the hot dogs, the delicious elixirs. It's really a prime example of the American experience.

What we don't like is the bushytail horde's attempts to usurp the game for the benefit of squirrel world domination. And we're not talking about a few isolated incidents.

In fact, we've tracked the slavering nutzys shennanigans on the diamond for years and, if anything, the incidence of chitterbox aggression has increased, especially in the last few years.

From the Cleveland Indian's "Rally Squirrel" to the Yankees' omen nutzy, skwerls are bent on using baseball to turn common citizens into pathetic skwerlhuggers. How? By gamboling erractically across the field in an attempt to look "cute" (see links below for features from prior years).

Will this year be any different? It will unless we take immediate action. We suggest the following...

Ban the sale of peanuts (or any delicious nut) in ball parks. Harsh? We agree, but eliminating the nutzys' food supply is a logical first step towards their control.

Consider felling trees, eliminating bushes, and replacing real turf with artificial grass in and around the stadium. By eliminating any semblance of a natural environment, the chitterboxes may be dissuaded from entering stadiums in the first place.

Restore or increase the number of "bat days" at the park. Giving away bats is good for business and provides spectators with... well, you know where this is going.

Baseball players need to man up in opposition to the bushytail horde. Videos of skwerls on the field are remarkable in that the players either stand stupified and/or petrified of the maniacal nutzy confronting them. Even efforts to coax skwerls off the field seem half-hearted. Let the players take a lesson from the champions of yesteryear.

CLICK FOR COMMENT Consider Great Patriot Babe Ruth: In 1927, the Babe was playing a round of golf at a New York country club. Babe was having considerable trouble sinking putts. Finally he grumbled, "Them damn squirrels running around are killing my game!" He asked the caddie to fetch a rifle, a .22, and set about dispatching skwerls to the astonishment of onlookers. That night at the Hotel Ansonia on Broadway, Ruth cooked up a squirrel potpie (click Babe for comment).

Patriots, we're not suggesting that players, or anyone else carry guns in baseball stadiums. We simply think that if players acted more aggressively towards these belligerent skwerlballs, that they'd abandon their attempts to monopolize and manipulate the game in support of squirrel world domination.

In any event, while we monitor this season's skwerlien activity, we invite you to review our more recent features regarding the nutzy baseball threat and view the videos that record the chitterbox mayhem in shocking detail...

FEATURES AND VIDEOS
|TAKE 'EM OUT OF THE BALLGAME| |THE SINGLE SKWERL THEORY|

VIDEOS ONLY
|THE SPORTING LIFE|
|TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME|
|THE YANKEE SKWERL|
|THE BUSCH STADIUM SKWERL|

 

BACK     HOME