Patriots, imagine if you will... Fed up with the slavering chitterboxes in you back yard, you initiate a campaign to trap and and dispatch them to a faraway corner of the globe.
An indeterminate amount of time later, you finally declare victory. But your righteous celebration is cut short when, the very next day, you awake to the onslaught of a dozen more nutzys...
Where do these new skwerls come from? The popular, and correct answer is that the Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA) simply sends in more bushytails to fill in for their fallen comrades (click skwerl for comment).
However, the answer above is an oversimplification of the process. SEA recruits must be trained and transported to the battle zone. How is this done? Consider the following news story:
Police called in over joke about squirrels
Thisislondon.co.uk - 10.04.07
First there was the boy of 11 quizzed over an e-mail calling his schoolfriend gay.
Then came the five-year-old told off for playing hopscotch after chalking on the street.
Now, just when you thought police over-reaction had reached its height, we present the couple investigated for joking about squirrels.
Colin and Jenny Harrow were visited under suspicion of cruelty to animals after sending a spoof letter to their local paper.
The Cumberland News had published an article claiming that incomers from the South were releasing grey squirrels in the area - which prides itself on being one of the last bastions of the red squirrel population.
The Harrows, who used to live in Devon, sensed an anti-southern bias in the story and decided on a light-hearted response.
Mrs Harrow, 59, wrote: "We would like to inform any interested parties that we (formerly southerners) have just returned to our cottage with a crate full of wild grey squirrels from Epping Forest which we would be happy to supply to any other "outcomers", homesick for the South and in need of the odd grey squirrel to make them feel at home."
Shortly afterwards, there was a knock at the door of the couple's home in the Lake District village of Thackthwaite, near Penrith.
Two officers from Cumbria Police informed them they were investigating claims of squirrel abuse. They had come to check whether hapless rodents were being kept in crates after several complaints from members of the public.
Mr Harrow, 64, said: "It would be laughable if it were not so sad. How do these people think we got hold of the grey squirrels in the first place - run around with a pocketful of peanuts and a lasso?
"It appears that some people had taken my wife's letter seriously and actually reported her to the police. We felt so sorry for the police who had to waste valuable time investigating this nonexistent 'crime'."
Mr Harrow, a former newspaper managing editor, added: "The main point of the letter was not really about squirrels but about the attitude of a small minority of people who seem to want to treat incomers from the South as some sort of aliens.
"It's no worse in Cumbria or the North of England generally than it is in the South where they talk about "northerners" in the same derogatory way. "But just because a few people seem to think anyone born outside their county, town or even village is a foreigner threatening their way of life doesn't make this attitude any more acceptable."
Well, Mr. Harrow, we thinks thou doth protest too much. Let's take a look at your statement:
"How do these people think we got hold of the grey squirrels in the first place - run around with a pocketful of peanuts and a lasso (emphasis added)?"
Come on, Mr. Harrow, is it mere coincidence that your words are a near-perfect description of the sport of squirrel fishing?
That's right, Patriots, Mr. Harrow not only reveals himself to be a fisher of skwerls, but he's part of the bushytail horde's plot to spread squirrel world domination by smuggling SEA regulars into Cumbria.
For those who don't know, squirrel fishing is a usually mild diversion that's been around for hundreds of years.
It's popular on many campuses and among young and old alike (click pic for large version).
The essentials of skwerl fishing are a line, usually made of string; and a peanut or similar nut. A rod is optional but often used by serious skwerl fishers.
Success is determined by the height of the "lift off" measured by the distance of the skwerlball's rear feet from the ground (click skwerl for comment):
However, what many do not know is that the SEA employs squirrel fishing techniques to train drooling terrorist chitterboxes on how to survive an encounter with a skwerl fisher and how to turn the situation into a skwerlien advantage.
Observe the videos below. The first shows a secret bushytail base somewhere in the Florida Keys. In it a trainer instucts skwerls on the proper way to latch onto a peanut and not lose it's grip during a skwerl fishing encounter. The second video shows a SEA operative taking on a skwerl fisher. Note that it is not the nutzy's goal to attack the fisherperson or even get the nut. It's mission is to endear itself to the skwerl fisher. Thus a potential Patriot is turned into a giggling skwerlvert within a matter of seconds...
CLICK SCREENSHOTS FOR VIDEOS IN WINDOWS MEDIA
SEA TRAING FILM BY KEYSDOG (LEFT); SKWERL FISHING ENCOUNTER BY JUGGERNAUT (RIGHT)
This brings us back to the talented Mr. Harrow. Could it be that the trainer in the SEA film is actually Mr. Harrow doing his best to disguise his Brit accent with an American one? The "Who" t-shirt says yes.
Thus, the good Patriots of Cumbria had it right when they reported this traitorous skwerlvert to the authorities. Now, one wonders why the police failed to do their job? I.e., why isn't Mr. Harrow wasting away on some sun-bleached desert island far from the battle instead of being allowed to train, transport and dump skwerls in his neighbors' gardens...?
And the letter that Mrs. Harrow sent to the paper was actually a plea for help!!!! She was actually trying to uncover her husbands trecherous activities, and it worked, except Mr. Harrow was much too smart for that. WE MUST SAVE MRS HARROW BEFORE SHE TOO IS BRAINWASHED!!!
I think my neighbor is one of THEM!!!! I saw a squirrel looking in thier back door just yesterday!
we do some sqwirl fishing on my campus it never fails to amuse and the sqwirls seem to like it
THIS WEBSITE IS RETARDED, GAY, AND NAPPY-HEADED. THANKS!!!!!!!!
Even as a joke, it was a bad one. What did they expect when those PETA types read something like that?