Patriots, over the past few days, we've received numerous emails about a mysterious purple skwerl sited, captured, and then released in Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania.
Some of you are worried that this nutzy freak is a new, dangerous mutant skwerl. We can confirm that it is a dangerous, slavering chitterbox, but hardly a new addition to the Squirrel Enforcement Army's ranks.
Before reading the short exposé that follows, please view the video news brief about this Jersey devil:
The news stories published about this skwerlien freak-a-zoid took a tongue-in-cheek approarch and experts were at a loss to explain the skwerl's odd color.
An Accuweather.com senior meterologist, Henry Margusity, said, "The squirrel could have been looking for somewhere warm and fallen into a port-a-potty or something similar."
Krish Pillai, a professor at Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania, commented that "This is not good at all. That color looks very much like Tyrian purple. It is a natural organobromide compound seen in molluscs and rarely found in land animals. The squirrel (possibly) has too much bromide in its system."
The media also correctly noted that the Jersey devil is not the first purple skwerl sighting. There's a recorded sighting in 1997 and another in 2008.
We covered the latter sighting of a bushytail named Purple Pete and put forth our own theory about these purple nutmunchers.
Our theory has nothing to do with port-a-pottys or bromide and everything to do with the significance of the color purple itself. Purple has long been asscoiated with power, wealth, and royalty.
It is tempting to conclude that these purple skwerls are simply trying to convey a message of superiority and the power of squirrel world domination.
However, the real reason for purple nutzys has nothing to do with a superiority complex. Studies of childhood behavior show that almost 75 percent of pre-adolescent children prefer purple to all other colors.
For this reason, the color purple is often used in marketing products and characters to young children. Hence the likes of Barney the Dinosaur.
So, it's blatantly obvious that skwerlien purpleness is a sophomoric nutzy plot to appear "nice" by assuming a Barneyesque appearance? After all, what better way to corrupt very young minds than by imitating a lovable and trusted character?
But wait, there's more. As we pointed out in our Purple Pete article, purple isn't the only color used by the drooling skwerlballs. Consider the photos of Orangey the Skwerl below...
ORANGEY PHOTOS BY SKWERLHUGGER - CLICK ORANGEY ON RIGHT FOR AUDIO COMMENT
Patriots, can there be any doubt that the existence of brightly colored nutzys is just another bushytail plot to corrupt the youth of today and turn them to the skwerlside? A plot that must be desaturated immediately.