scary squirrel world TANGLED UP IN TAILS

Patriots, we've published numerous exposés of the bushytail horde's efforts to produce a mutant superskwerl.

Remember the Honey Nut Clusters' Robo-Squirrel? Or what about the so-called European Dormouse? And who can ever forget the diabolical South American Vizcacha (just to name a few)?


LEFT TO RIGHT: ROBOSKWERL; DORMOUSE; VIZCACHA

The existence of these nutzy mutations begs the question, what should one do if you come face-to-face with one of these freaks? The answer to that question is the same as with any skwerlball encounter: always do the right thing.

But what does that mean? Consider the following news brief and video. The brief describes the efforts of a Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources officer to subdue the horrific, frisbee-like hydra-skwerl, 360° of slavering jowls and snapping teeth. The video recounts a similar confrontation in which a vet obtains a very different result.

SAD ENDING TO ENTANGLED SQUIRREL TALE
By DAN SPRINGER / La Crosse Tribune

The story of five tail-tangled baby squirrels did not have the hoped-for happy ending.

photo: Dick Riniker The young squirrels, found bound to each other by their tails outside a rural Holmen home Tuesday, had to be killed after a Department of Natural Resources officer was unable to separate the animals.

The DNRs Ron Lichtie said he worked but could not manage to cut the twine that had twisted the tails together. The terrified squirrels also fought his efforts, with one biting through his leather glove, he said.

I managed to get some of the knot cut away, but two of the squirrels were already stressed out and exhausted, so I decided the most humane thing was to euthanize the animals, Lichtie said.

He then shot them with a .22-caliber pistol...


And now consider the video report in which a vet successfully separates a hydra-skwerl into its separate parts (click first pic for vet's audio-only comment; click link below screenshots for video)...

CLICK FOR COMMENT

CLICK BELOW FOR VIDEO NEWS BRIEF

Patriots, there you have it. Two solutions to the same problem. But which was the right thing to do?

Of course, pathetic skwerlhuggers will stutter through their sobs of joy that the vet's solution was the right one, and you might expect us to back the DNR officer's resolution.

The fact of the matter is, both solutions are correct under the circumstance. But which has the best cost-benefit ratio? I.e., which is most likely to discourage the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination? We posed that question to National Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward, at his weekly news conference. His response follows:

Let me get this straight... you think squirrels can genetically engineer a... what? a hydra-squirrel... yes? OK, and I suppose you think electricty is generated by rubbing two black cats together... SECURITY!!!"

Well, Ranger Bob, we would be excited to learn that the government is seriously considering alternative energy sources, but once again you've avoided the question. However, we're sure our readers have an opinion...

 

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