scary squirrel world TREETOP SKWERLIEN HORROR

Patriots, hardly a day goes by when we don't receive a letter from some pathetic skwerlhugger insisting that their precious chitterdemons aren't savage despots with a plan for squirrel world domination.

These skwerlverts maintain that the maniacal nut crunchers are just adorable little critters governed by instinct and and unvarying habit. If that's so, then how do the minions of skwerlhuggery explain this...

Dear Fellow Patriots,

I have a question and a problem. I live somewhere in the western United States. I won't say where for fear of retaliation from the bushytails.

Where I live there aren't any tree squirrels, but there's a plethora of ground squirrels. They're everywhere. I think they'd have devoured us all except they're so bad at crossing streets that roadkill keeps their numbers down.

About a week ago I was walking my dog around the county park. It's starting to get hot here and I stopped to rest under a tree. I was wiping the sweat from my brow when Howdy (my dog) started growling and looking up in the tree. I looked up and there, about 10 feet up was the biggest ground squirrel I'd ever seen!

This squirrel was staring right at me whith a crazy look in its eye. It looked like it had been chewing leaves into pulp and letting this green drool run from its mouth...

Well, as fascinated as I was by this, I wasn't going to let the devil get the better of me. I started to get up and that squirrel came rushing down the tree straight at me! Howdy was beside himself whining and straining on his leash in the direction of my car. We both took off running and never looked back.

What I want to know is this: was this really some sort of horrible mutant squirrel, or can ground squirrels climb trees? If they can, is it common? I was thinking I was safe from ground squirrel attacks from trees!

Patriot Talbot

CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER! Unfortuantely, ground skwerls can and do climb trees as well as any other tall object they put their mind to. Of course, there is only one reason for this behavior: to cause mayhem (click skwerl to hear him confess crime 165K).

Of course, skwerlhuggers would have you believe that this is not a common occurance. Worse, they'll try to convince you that you didn't see a skwerl at all... Perhaps it was a cat, a or a rat, or a hedgehog, or something that vaguely resembles a chitterbox. After all, hunters have shot other hunters by mistake thinking they were skwerls. So, Patriot Talbot simply misidentified the tree critter according to these traitors.

Patriots, don't for a second believe the skwerl-happy apologists out there. G-skwerls climb trees and they do it to take the innocent passerby by surprise. Still not convinced? Here's further photographic proof:

pics/gtree1.jpg pics/gtree10.jpg pics/gtree11.jpg pics/gtree12.jpg pics/gtree14.jpg pics/gtree2.jpg
pics/gtree3.jpg pics/gtree4.jpg pics/gtree5.jpg pics/gtree6.jpg pics/gtree7.jpg pics/gtree9.jpg
Califronia Ground Squirrels - click thumbs for big versions - all pics ssw

There you have it. Proof positive that the so-called ground skwerl can just as readily drop on you from above as drag you down from below.

However, they have one weakness: when they preceive they're outwitted or outnumbered, they exit the trees post-haste - unlike their aboreal cousins who climb higher or leap from tree to tree to outdistance you.

Thus, clever placement of unleashed starving dogs, or cages (for capture and sale to science), and/or other anti-skwerl weaponary can quickly turn an unsettling situation into a patriotic triumph.


HMm what gives humans the right to decide who to kill people can be very annoying and rude why can't squirrels be.

Holy Hell! Your all crazy! LOL
You Patriots are just jealous. The squirrels are so much cuter, smarter and faster than you.
kill them all!!! If we dont retaliate There is this one squirrel named the evil squirrel and he has an evil elite team of skwerls and closly related species! If we dont act now and destroy the skwerls they will take us over! we must destroy the pathetic skwerl huggers too.
i like squirrels because they can climb
We, the Skwerls of the Pacific Northwest, give you fair warning. We are in your attics. We are in your trees. We are in your boots you forgot to bring in off the porch. We eat the food in your birdfeeders. We taunt your cats and dogs. We are cute and we shall overcome! Skwerls of the wyrld, unite!
I once saw a 450 lb fat lady in a tree. If she could do it, i know a nimble scrawny sqwerl can too.
Thank god for your patriotic site. I had a friend one time who was a skwerlhugger. He had one as a "pet." Well, 10 years later, he died in a car accident. No doubt brought on by some clever skwerl dashing into the road. DON'T FALL FOR THIS RUSE. If you see a skwerl in the road, SPEED UP. They're hoping you'll swerve and smack into an oncoming tractor trailer. If it wasn't for us patriots, who produce the roadkill, we'd be a nation of paraplegics, lying in hospital wards with complete amnesia, which is just what the skwerls want. Live skwerl-free or die!!
i believe that squirrels attack people. and i really dont like squirrels either. they are so annoying.
I'm a carny... We should all band togeather against the skwerl menace. Then the Carnys can rule the world
as Jay Leno once said: Squirrels-Satan's Secret Army...
squirrels are crazy. I was on a feild trip once, and one started chasing my teacher. She ran for safety in a stairwell, but it followed her and proceeded to run up her leg
I think that skwerls are big farts that should be shot at during anyones spare time
I like squirrels, they're very sweet and pretty. I'm Shari from Belgium (ed note: sorry, shari, we don't know the latin name for a white-bellied skwerl)
I think we should eat squirrels....
You people are WAY higher than that squirrel!
yes - a demon, maniac fox squirrel from hell chased my sister and me all over a golf course.
I am scared of skwerls. We still have flying black skwerls in the forests of southern PA, and they glide down and bite children. Sometimes they disguise themselves as cubscouts and knock on your door, only to claw at your feet when you answer. And the high-pitched laugh from hell causes your skin to freeze!
Don't you see? The squirrel protect us from the Carnys! They are in a constant battle for survival. When you see a dead squirrel in the road, you know a battle has been fought there. You never see any dead Carnys because they are like the Marines and never leave a fallen soldier behind. So know you know.
All squirrels deserve to die. It's as simple as that.
Find via abebooks or other OOP dealer a copy of D. MacClintocks Squirrels of North America. That which we do not know we fear. BT humans fly w/o wings and no one thinks anything of it. Why the surprise at tree climbing ground squirrels? I say any creature that dies in the name of FREEDOM like Mel Gibson as Braveheart can't be all bad. Would that humans had as much sense of decency and fun as do squirrels. Besides, I worked for the phone company. We considered squirrels job security! I managed to retire at 42, thanks to the sacrifices of squirrels.
Please don't kill all the skerls. We eat 'em.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! You PUNY insects think YOU are a match for the squirell race?!?!? HA HA HA HA HA!!!! The tfought is laughable! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Some people have absolutly TOO MUCH time on their hands!!!
i found a hurt squirrel once and it bit me so i had to have a series of rabies shots. i think i was 10 at the time.
Look around you. If there's any species that should be worried about it's humans. Guess I'm a squirrelhugger.
As Rightful Leader of the Great Revolutionary Army of Squirrels, I feel it is incumbent upon me to warn you of the impending doom you will suffer at the hands of our Great Army! Phear!
The only good skwerl is a dead skwerl
Those beady little eyes, In the woods in the bushes, they're all around me, laughing, waiting to bite my ancles... EVIL, EVIL I tell you!!!
What if one of the G-squirrels in my backyard gets a toy airplane? I mean, just hypothetically? "rrrrrrrrr" NO! He's coming!! NOOO!!!!!
squirrels are rats with good PR
God made squirrells and they are cute. He also made humans and we abuse power and hunt animals to extinction. Everything can be pesky but for creatures who just nibble on pine cones and yap....there's nothing to fear.
Have I died and gone to heaven? People who think like me? UNBELIEVEABLE! HOLMS! UNLEASH THE HOUNDS!!!!! SIC them beedy eyed little devils!
All tree rats should be squashed! They chased our fave teacher around a tree, through the yard, and even made him jump onto a car! That is pure abuse! Kill em all! LaRrY and Bek
well, i think squirrels are just fine
Skwerls should be erradicated in all their forms, tree, ground, ass, whatever, kill um all is what i say! And i'm willing to help in the ANTI-SKWERL MILITIA!
I use a laser scope on my pellet rife. No quarter given to these Terminator Rodents!
The evil bushytails must be stopped! Twas only a mere two weeks ago that one maimed my sister in a ground skirmish. In loving memory of J. O Shea. God bless us all!
I think that you should NOT KILL SQUIRRELS
what are you on????
i think that your site in sooooooo true and we supperior race "humans" must distroy every last one!!! THANKS,for imforming non-belivers about the skwerl demons!!!
Hey, do you see the size of those gazonka's on that skwerrel? She's a lactating momma!
skwerls are annoying little devils that I consider one of the worst enemies of mankind these "ground skwerls" are an obviuose cover for somthing more sinister I canot say any more for fear that the devils spys will track me.
he's just up ther to fool you into forgeting about the ones on the ground. watch your back!!!
sqrrrrls are devious little devils. this doesn't surprise me one bit.