scary squirrel world NINE SONGS ABOUT FISHING
 Patriots, when Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel isn't engaged in the violent dismantling of human civilization, he relaxes by rocking out with his band The Hardnuts.

 It should be no surprise that his songs almost always promote squirrel world domiantion. But occassionally, he releases an innocent sounding set of tunes.

 Several years ago, Tufty released the now-infamous Nine Songs About Fishing. We republish it now as a warning...

 A warning about fishing songs? Consider this, the bushytail horde's every waking moment is devoted to consuming delicious nuts and destroying humankind. To that end, the slavering nutzys rely heavily on propaganda to promote their cause (hence: "squirrels are just rats with good PR"). There are a number of different kinds of propaganda including bandwagon, card stacking, generalities, name calling, plain folks, testimonials, and transfer.

The Nine Songs set uses Plain Folks propaganda. The plain folks device is an attempt by the propagandist to convince the public that his views reflect those of the common person and that they are also working for the benefit of the common person. The propagandist will often attempt to use the accent of a specific audience as well as using specific idioms or jokes.

So who is Tufty targeting? No mystery there: people who fish. Why? Those who enjoy fishing spend a great deal of time in or near forested areas. Their primary mission is to catch a delicious fish. They rarely bring tribute for the bushytail maniacs all around them (it takes up spae reserved for beer and bait). This pisses the drooling nutcrunchers off.

Tufty's fishing songs are an attempt to lull fishermen and women into a false sense of security. You may have observed this yourself: when people fish, they have their backs to the trees...

Patriots, if you fish, you need to take precautions. Your options should be obvious:
  1. Carry an anti-skwerl device. Recent legislation, backed by the Anti-Squirrel Coalition, allows guns in National Parks. For some namby-pamby types, non-lethal weapons may be preferrable. A hearty whacking stick should do the trick.
  2. Employ the buddy system. Someone needs to keep an eye on the treeline at all times.
  3. Keep food stocks secure and free from nutzy-tempting items. Unfortunately, almost anything edible is nutzy-tempting.
  4. Look to Our Pals in the Animal Kingdom for assistance. Rather than shooing the bear, rattlesnake, rabid skunk, or cougar away, keep a healthy distance from it, but remember, the bushytail horde will steer clear, too.
  5. Also note: some fish eat skwerls. We're not suggesting that anyone catch and use skwerls for bait, but if pursued by a gang of chitterboxes, head for the water. If you're lucky a few wide-mouth bass will come to your aide.
And then there's Squirrel Fishing, a topic we've covered before...

A few years ago, before the internet, squirrel fishing was a fringe sport known to only a few aficionados, mostly on college campuses.

In fact, squirrel fishing has been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years. It's popularity during the Victorian era is pictured here.

For the very few of you who may not know how to skwerl fish, it's a simple matter of attaching a delicious nut to a fishing line or length of string, casting it into a skwerl-infested area (usually a public park or on the grounds of an upper education facility), "hooking" a skwerl, and reeling it in.

What you do with the skwerl depends on your motive. University types may retire to their dorm room to cook up some "popcorn" squirrel. Those looking only for bragging rights use the "catch and release" method.

The difference between the two methods, other than the fate of the skwerl, is that the skwerl must be hooked and lifted into the air before letting it go using the catch and release method. The higher the "boost", the greater the bragging right.

Again, we've covered the topic of squirrel fishing before. We bring it up in this context because many skwerls find the experience frustrating and humiliating. Suffer enough humiliation, and the drooling skwerlball loses its will to pursue squirrel world domination...

So, those who fish, who may find themselves in a desperate situation, may want to employ skwerl fishing as a deterrent, at least until back-up arrives.

See squirrel fishing in action - video by Lanma




Top photo unknown - Ted Nugent w/Tufty added by ssw
Fishing photo from the Life Photo Archive
Victorian graphic from Frisky the Squirrel
Squirrel boost photo by Muddycapybara
Squirrel fishing video by Lanma