INTRODUCTION: THE DEMON FROM DELMARVA
Patriots, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel's chitterbox minions work in many nefarious ways. The nutzys labor day and night to crush civilization and bring about the horror of squirrel world domination.
Some attacks are a subtle, barley noticable chipping away at humankind's defenses. Some are obvious attempts to demean and degrade our society. And in some cases, a single skwerl has the power to stop trains, turn armies aside and crush commerce.
One such chitterbox is the Demon from Delmarva. A visit from Skwerl Delmarva is an invitation to wreck and ruin for many homeowners, developers and others looking to spread civilization into the darkest regions of eastern North America's Chesapeake Bay watershed (click Skwerl Delmarva for comment).
Such was not always the case. Skwerl Delmarva once gamboled unrestricted in parts of Pennsylvania, Marlyland, Virginia, Delaware and possibly New Jersey. But by 1945, the threat was all but gone, limited to small pockets of resistance on the Delmarva Peninsula.
Then, in 1967 everything changed. The change was dramatic and Skwerl Delmarva was once again on the move. But what happened to revive the skwerlball's chances of dominating the region and beyond? How did the admonition below left become the rule below right?
THE CONSPIRACY OF TRANSLOCATION...
Patriots, to answer the questions above we step back to the year 1945. Then, as World War II came to a deadly close, the Maryland Department of Natural Resources used taxpayer dollars to purchase the LeCompte Wildlife Management Area in Dorchester County effectively creating a stronghold for the Delmarva Fox Squirrel. Was it mere coincidence that this Delmarvian bastion was and is just a few short miles from the nation's capital?
While the Delmarvan skwerlballs flourished on their preserve in Maryland, their decline continued elsewhere. Then in 1967, a cartel of traitorous skwerlhuggers managed to add Skwerl Delmarva to a new and important list of Endangered Species.
This single event opened the floodgates of wanton skwerlhuggery. From 1968 to 1971, the fey minions of squirrel world domination gathered up and translocated their Delmarvan masters to all areas of the region deemed suitable habitat for the chitterbox.
In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon signed the Endangered Species Act. The law banned hunting the Delmarvians, disturbing Delmarvian habitat except under strict, regulated conditions and more or less elevated the species to the status of a god.
Some believe that Nixon vacillated over signing the Endangered Species Act because of the Delmarvan inclusion. However, it's said that he capitulated to pathetic skwerlhugger demands when he realized that an untold number of slavering Delmarvans were within minutes of the Whitehouse (Click Dick for comment).
While President Nixon's political fortunes nosedived after 1971, the Delmarvian nutzys continued their translocations. Their goal: to recapture Delmarva's historic territory. Between 1978 and 1992, Delmarvas were reintroduced to every county on Marylandís Eastern Shore and several other sites in the surrounding three states.
How successful were the translocations? That's hard to say. Even those involved give different figures. For example, it's impossible to determine the total number of translocations; but somewhere between 11 and 16. Of those, 9 or 10 were deemed successful.
Worse, there are no reliable figures on the current number of Delmarvans out there and descripitions of the beast vary. Some say it is reddish in color like the common fox squirrel ; others claim it appears dirty white with either a darkened snout or back; and still others compare it to the Eastern Grey Squirrel, only bigger.
Will the real Delmarvan please stand up? Click for factsheet.
THE CRISIS TODAY...
Needless to say, this confusion brings us letters from skwerlhuggers and Patriots alike. They wonder if the Delmarvan chitterboxes have arrived in their neighborhoods.
For example, consider this photo from a resident of south-eastern Pennsylvania. Could these be Delmarvans, she asked?
Delmarvan wannabes? Photos courtesy of Patriot Nyce
Patriot Nyce speculated that these demons might be Delmarvans because "1) they have white feet & bellies; 2) short cream to white colored ears; 3) long, fluffy tails with black edging and white tips; 4) Behavior - they sleep in 'till late morning, travel on the ground vs. tree tops..."
After careful study of the photo we concluded that the skwerls in question are not Delmarvans. However, to be sure, we sent a fact-finding team to the location.
Using advanced scientific methods and tools, we determined that the skwerlballs are significantly smaller than actual Delmarvans who average 30 inches or more. Thus, it appears that they are simply common fox or gray squirrels in search of victims...
Not measuring up - common squirrel or Demon from Delmarva?
This brings us back to a curious fact: there is very little information about the Delmarva Fox Squirrel out there; at least none based on recently obtained objective evidence. Specifically, why can't we find accurate information on numbers and distribution?
Moreover, how is it that there is no consensus on what the nutzy looks like? And why are there no recent, quality photos of the skwerlien available? Those displayed online are blurred and/or years old.
If you think all this smacks of bushytail conspiracy and/or cover-up, we agree. Could it be that there are no more Delmarvans and the fact is being covered up by the bushytail horde and its minions?
Or is the opposite true to the extreme? That is, there is a vast army of Delmarvans secreted in the woods of Delaware, Maryland, Virginia and Pennsylvania just waiting for orders to strike (click skwerl for comment)?
For the answer to these questions we asked National Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward to tell us why our government is lax in publishing information about such a dangerous chitterbox as the Delmarva Fox Squirrel. His response follows...
Dangerous? Don't you morons mean endangered? It's an endangered species. That's e-n-d-a-n-g-e-r-e-d in case you inbreds can't spell... I mean, how do you even get a press pass!?! SECURITY!!!!
Not dangerous, Bob? You might think differently if three pounds of skwerlien hell fell on your head while you're out in the forest... (see Mad Hatter link below)
Patriots, Ranger Woodward's non-response is just more evidence that something's amiss on the Delmarva peninsula and surrounding areas.
Some more radical elements of the Anti-Squirrel Coalition say that the solution to this problem is to simply do away with the Endangered Species Act (ESA - click radical for comment).
They argue that the ESA creates a barrier to economic development. Thus, eliminating the Act will help fight squirrel world domination and help with the nation's economic recovery.
Patriots, we're all for neutralizing the Delmarvan threat. But we note several things: 1) overall, the Endangered Species Act hasn't adversely affected the national economy; 2) it has led to the preservation of such species as the Bald Eagle; and 3) many critters protected by the Act eat... skwerls.
This last point is especially important. It demonstrates that the ESA is actually a valuable tool in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination.
Still, there must be a way to stop the bushytail horde from unleashing a legion of maniacal Delmarvans on the world...
THE BETTY FRANCE STORY
PROFILES IN TERROR
U.S. FISH AND WILDLIFE ESA PAGE
DOWNLOAD DELMARVA FOX SQUIRREL INFO IN PDF FORMAT
DELMARVA FOX SQUIRREL PRESERVATION STUDY (170K)
USFW DELMARVA FOX SQUIRREL INFO PAMPHLET (120K)
John and Karen Hollingsworth
Blackwater National Wildlife Refuge
click for 800x600 text-free version