Patriots, this is one in an ongoing series exposing the Marmot Complicity. What the tarnation is that? It's the role that marmots, an englutted member of the skwerl family, play in the bushytail horde's plans for squirrel world domination.
In our marmot features, we describe the extremes that pathetic skwerlhuggers go to to protect these skwerlien behemoths and the shocking consequences of letting the marmists run free (see e.g. Hawg linked below).
In this report we shine the light of day on marmots and the heresy of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery. What is skwerlhuggery? It's the irrational belief that skwerls are "nice" and that someday a Nice Squirrel will come to "set everything right" (click Nice Squirrel for comment).
There are many shrines to skwerlhuggery, but one literally towers above the rest: Half Dome, the granite monolith that dominates Yosemite Valley in Yosemite National Park, California.
Half Dome is easily viewed from the valley floor, but visiting it, specifically the summit, is a different matter. The journey can be made two ways: a torturous, 16 mile all-day hike (roundtrip); or an overnight stay in a backpackers' camp before making the final ascent.
Supplicants on the final approach to Half Dome's summit
The final ascent itself is a vertigo-inducing climb up Half Dome's back side where a slip means certain death (although the Park Service says no deaths have occurred).
And what awaits the determined climber...?
"I remember getting up on the cables near the top and this fuzzy-looking beaver looked over the side at me. I started screaming. People down below started yelling that it was... a marmot... I was scared."
~Theresa Bitondo of San Diego - Source: Yosemite.org Newsroom
Yosemite's Yellow-bellied Marmot - Marmota flaviventris - credit: ssw
Citizen Bitondo's fear was and is justified because Half Dome's summit is inhabited by a colony of maniacal Yellow-bellied Marmots. This fact is all the more bizarre becaue there's no obvious food source on the summit.
Just how crazed are these bloated skwerlballs? Various reports found on the web describe Half Dome's marmots as "voracious", "thieving", "lurking" and "aggressive". Return visitors tell of repeat encounters with the slobbering nutzys during which they "tithe" a portion of their meager supply of food in exchange for safe passage to and from the summit.
The effect of a marmot encounter on Half Dome angers some, bewilders others. But a disturbing number of visitors describe the marmots as "friends". Thus they may arrive on Half Dome as innocent citizens, but they descend as unrepentant skwerlhuggers. Worse some return over and over to render offerings to their skwerlien masters...
"The guide book says you will meet a Marmot at the top and sure enough, you do. I've made this climb almost a dozen times now and have not failed to encounter Mr. Marmot. Since nothing grows on the top, the furry one must subsist on tourist handouts. And with a face like this, who could refuse?"
Marmots on Half-Dome - click for comments - credits: John Leo (l); Gary Stowell (r)
Who could refuse, indeed. scary squirrel world notes that the National Park Service says that there've been few serious injuries or deaths amongst those ascending and descending the route to Half Dome's summit. But we wondered about the number of visitors summarily tossed off the summit itself by incensed marmots angry over some perceived slight and/or outright refusal to meet their demands.
So, we asked National Forest Service spokeman, Ranger Bob Woodward, for the numbers. His response follows...
For the eleven-billionth time, I work for the Forest Service not the Park Service... besides your allegation is patently absur... uh, wait... perhaps you should go and see for yourself. Here, let me assign some guides to toss, I mean protect, yes, protect you from those horrid marmots... SECURITY!!!
Of course, we refused Ranger Woodward's kind offer if only to avoid a conflict of interest, but we did dispatch a team to investigate. Unfortunately, the investigators were turned back on the trail by inclement weather; and it's equally disappointing that we're unable to send another team to Half Dome until next spring.
Fortunately, the Half Dome shrine is only accessible from late spring until mid-October. Otherwise, winter conditions prevail and only the most experienced hikers and rock climbers dare the ascent.
Still, we're compelled to issue this warning: the shrine may be a half dome, but without proper preparations for marmot encounters, a hike to its summit may be all doom for the unprotected...
I've been on many backpacking trips to the high country and each time I go I ponder this thought "what the heck are marmots eating way up here on all this granite - there just ain't much here." Then,during this last trip my friend and I encounter a lone marmot a top Dana Peak - a 13,000 foot peak in Yosemite. There was only the 2 of us and 2 Polish girls and THE MARMOT. That's when the answer came to me... MARMOTS EAT PEOPLE! We high-tailed it outta there and never turned back. We lost sight of the Polish girls who were hiking slower than us...I hate to think of what happened to them...ugh.
Keep up the good work..you're doing mankind a service warning us all about these darn skwerls.
The Mountain Goat from Monrovia, CA
In all honesty, I saw this very varmit at the top of half dome on Friday 7/15/05 at 12:30 pm. Scared the hell out of me actually. Weird looking thing. True story.
That guy feeding the marmot- I want to marry him. -MadMarmot
Squirrels will eat nuts from humans!
Yes! Squirrels do want to take over the world, and watch out, marmots will jump up to 6 feet to attack an adversary. I own a marmot-he nearly killed my Dad last year!! ~skwerlhugger in Nevada
those squirrels are lazy wanting humans to feed them then some day are going to bite off a persons hand thinking its food then make massive robots and take over the world are they going to be cute and cuddly then?
The truth has been spoken, and all you fools who do not believe so shall be thrown into the pits of pure doom and terror! For the almight furry one shall bless us kind and intelligent skwerlhuggers for our knowledge of the truth and allow us into the great beyond.
This absolutely turns me on!!!!
I was there... i am happy to know that you are doing this... it helps me cope from losing a fellow skier, from a marmot.
fight the power of the squirrels man united we stand divided we fall to squirrelhuggery right on we gotta save the world
I know what you mean about skwerls wanting to take over the world...It's because I asked them to do it for me, I've trained these little buggers to kill humanity. So, I quite agree with your theory that squirrels are evil. I should know, I'm training them.
I think Squirrels are cool...a bit stupid in the head about that "crossing the road, then going back the way they came" thing...but other then that i love the little peanut munching things!
how do they live up that high cliff?
i hate this so much that im about to die because its to scary
Finally! The truth comes out! I've known this sort of thing went on for years. ~Iowa
This is just plain creepy dude...
we love squirrels. we adopted 28 of them & properly buried their bodies when they died. we really love squirrels & they are just the most beautiful creatures ever & god bless squirrels. one of ours is deadly obese but we still love him all the same AMEN AND GOD BLESS SQUIRRELS!
Thank god there's only half a dome!
the singin squirrl reminds me of when i was in wv
Squirrels are cool and nice and YOU scare me
What did the maromts do with the other half of the dome!????!!!???
I was camping once near Yosemite and had my tent attacked by marmots. Very scary indeed.
told ya! FEEL THEIR WRATH! I WARNED BUT NO ONE BELIEVED I HELD THE POWER! Good thing Im half squirrel, the other half is fox! ^_______^
well i think its beutiful because i love all kinds of rocks
I absolutely agree, squirrels will be the doom of us all. They have already taken half of eastern europe.
It's very clear that the Marmots are in league with the blasphemous metasquirrels. They must be stopped!
Squirrels are dumb, they throw acorns at you and make yard work harder!!! BOO SQUIRRELS!
this is incredibly stupid, but also very funny, especially since my mom convinced herself all squirrels are evil and want to take over the world when one fell out of a tree and barly missed her head.
You're the half-dome buddy
I think squirrels are so cute they hurt nobody.
I went to pet a cat last month and there was this squirrel in a tree and it was talking to me and I was with my 6 and 8 year old sisters and it was climbing up the tree then on the power lines and chasing me. I was freakin scared! I told 2 of my friends and one of them didn't believe me. I love squirrels though.
I love squirrels to mutch! It's horrable! gurrrrrrrr this makes me want to hurt someone!
the guy in the picture with the ugly squirrel is hott!
you are weird & have too much free time.
Christ, I was NEAR that place once....
MARMOTS R KEWL THEY R CUTE BUT PPL SAY THEY R SCARY I DONT GET IT
that was so scary I think I wet my pants!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!! This is soo freaking scary, i cant even take it!!!!
This is a great thingh you're doing
I think that squirrel is really weird. You should stop torturing these poor animals. Yah right I love this stuff we have to study this for school and it rocks.
I think that skwerls are plotting their revenge against humans, dont you see how they are always hiding in trees and starring at us?!
They are onto us. They follow me. Though I do talk/cmmunicate to one of the litle critters. He said they wont kill me. Just the rest of y'all
These pics aint scary!!!
COOL LOVE LORIN
This is entirely too silly, though I do hear squirrels are good for something... stew.
WHAT THE !!!!!?????!!!!!?????
tahts crazy man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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