scary squirrel world TRAVEL ALERTS
Hang 'Em High

Patriots, the state of Arizona is best known for it's ongoing feud with the federal governement over illegal immigration into the United States. Illegal immigration is a hot button issue popular during election campaigns. However, it's basically good for business and bad for public services (which keep getting cut anyway), so nothing ever really gets done about.

Frustrated by federal inaction, Arizona rexcently passed a law requiring law enforcement to ask for proof of citizenship or legal residency when it suspects otherwise. This might happen during a routine traffic stop or during a criminal investigation. Some wholeheartedly support the law, others decry it as unconstitutional.

Whatever your position on this difficult problem, we can assure you that Arizona currently stands at the forefront in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination.

However, this wasn't always the case. In fact, Arizona very recently allocated $400,000 towards the construction of highway-spanning rope bridges in hopes of preserving the extremely endangered Mount Graham Red Squirrel in south-eastern Arizona.

The Mount Graham Red Squirrel (Tamiasciurus hudsonicus grahamensis) is a variation of the North Americn Red Squirrel (Tamiasciurus hudsonicus). It occurs only on Mt. Graham and there are probably fewer than 300 left. This makes it one of the most endangered animals on the planet.

How such a conservative state as Arizona came to embrace squirrel world domination is a mystery to many.

However, the geographic location of Mount Graham provides a possible answer: some call the area south of Phoenix "Baja Arizona" and consider it a haven of left wing, eco-terorist, hippie-commie-pinko skwerlverts.

So, pressure from the bushytail horde's southern minions undoubtedly influenced the state government's decision to fund a seemingly innocuous plan to save an endangered species.

Reaction to the state's plan was swift. Opposition mounted and soon local media began asking if spending thousands on a squirrel trumped other needs (e.g. border patrols)...


When the dust settled, it was revealed that the total cost for the bushytail bridges was actually over $1,000,000.00. The additional cost included video cameras to monitor the bridges. Guestimates of the number squirrels that might be saved varied between 5-6 per year.

McCain Opposition to the bridges was widespread. Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., who has repeatedly criticized what he deems wasteful government spending, was asked to weigh in.

"He expressed opposition to the Mount Graham red squirrel preservation effort, saying it puts unreasonable limits on forest resources that could be used to help the community's economy," McCain spokeswoman Brooke Buchanan told On June 18, 2010, Arizona canceled the project.

So, all's well that ends well, right? In this case, wrong. The Mount Graham Skwerl Bridge affair is just the latest in the slavering nutzys ongoing stuggle to seize control of Mount Graham.

For example, the maniacal chitterboxes attempted to burn it to the ground in 2004, a risky venture that ended badly for the skwerl...


Why would the Mount Graham Red Squirrel risk destroying it's own habitat? The answer lies near the mountain's summit: the Mount Graham International Observatory.

What makes this observatory different from others is that some of its funding comes from the Catholic Church via the Specola Vaticana Foundation.

Moreover, the observatory is is home to the Vatican Advanced Technology Telescope (aka the Pope Scope).

And what, pray tell, is the Vatican looking for? Conspiracy buffs think the Catholic Church is on the lookout for angels, or Jesus, or Lucifier, or Martians, or some such.

CLICK FOR COMMENT The truth is, the Catholic Church is well aware of the basic tenets of Orthodox Skwerlhuggey. Those who adhere to Orthodox Skwerlhuggery believe that there is a Mystical Nice Squirrel who dwells in a Really Big Tree. The Big Tree is in orbit on the far side of the sun. In the beginning, the Nice Squirrel came to earth, planted the Tree of Delicious Nuts from whence all skwerls sprang, and promised to return to set everything right someday. It's the Nice Squirrel's return that all chitterboxes and pathetic skwerlhuggers long for and wait for (click photo for Vatican comment).

Needless to say, the Catholic Church isn't nuts about competition from other religions. It aims to stop the Nice Squirrel's return. How hasn't been revealed... yet.

In any event, we applaud Arizona's brave stand, Senator McCain's support, and the Catholic Church's deep space vigilance in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination.

Now the only remaining question is: what to do with all that rope...?

Mount Grahan Red Squirrel Wiki
Vatican Advanced Technology Telescope Wiki
Mount Graham International Observatory
The Specola Vaticana Data Archives
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