Patriots, common skwerlhuggery is the unreasonable belief that skwerls are "nice". Orthodox Skwerlhuggery also maintains that a Mystical Nice Squirrel will come to set everything right someday. Skwerlhuggery comes in three forms: personal, group, and communal.
Communal skwerlhuggery occurs when an entire town, city, region, or nation embraces skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination.
One such community, Olney, Illinois, stakes its raison raison d'être on the presence of white squirrels in and around the town. It pridefully bills itself as "The Home of the White Squirrels".
The origins of Olney's white chitterboxes is a matter of debate. Some say they originated locally, others maintain that they were brought to town by outsiders. All agree that the skwerls are a variation of the Eastern Gray Squirrel. It's also agreed that the white nutzys first appeared in Olney in the year 1902.
Subsequently, Olney's residents turned to the skwerl side embracing skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domiantion. Laws were passed designed to protect their skwerlien masters.
For example, it's illegal to harm or even to accidently run over a white skwerl in Olney (click criminal for comment).
Worst of all, Olney celebrates its capitulation to squirrel world domination with an annual white squirrel festival rife with pagen ritual...
Of course, it's common knowledge that other towns such as Exeter in Canada, Marionville, Ohio, and Brevard, North Carolina, all claim the same distinction. Brevard even goes so far as to proclaim itself the white skwerl capital of the world.
But Olney's skwerlhuggers have a problem. The town's white skwerl population is decreasing...
The 2009 Squirrel Count Results Show: A Decrease in Albino Squirrels, A Decrease in Gray Squirrels, and An Increase in Cats. Source: City of Olney web site
This was the 31st year counting the gray and albino squirrels in Olney. The annual squirrel count was scheduled for three Saturdays beginning at 7:30 a.m. on October 10, October 17 and October 24.
Upon averaging data from the three counting dates, there were 822 gray squirrels, 111 albino squirrels, 16 fox squirrels and 95 cats. Compared to 2008, the gray squirrels decreased 11.03%, the albino squirrels decreased by 17.77%. The cats increased by 11.76%. The gray to albino ratio in 2008 was 6.84 to 1 compared to the gray to albino ratio in 2009 of 7.41 to 1 which is an ongoing concern.
Several reports were received again this year concerning foxes in residential neighbors preying on squirrels. This is the second year these comments had been received. More and more predators such as hawks, foxes and cats are supplementing their diets on squirrel inside the city limits. If the white squirrel population is to continue in Olney, the community must become more vigilant to protect the squirrels...
The Olney web site prattles on about being nice to white chitterboxes by, essentially, putting the nutzys needs above all others and by exercising caution when driving in skwerlien controlled areas.
The city also advises residents to round up stray cats and deliver them to the local animal control authority. Additionally, people are asked to make the area "uninviting" to wild animals that might snack on the skwerls.
Patriots, will Olney's efforts stem the decline of its white skwerlien masters? That depends on the reason for the decline. Consider the possible causal factors:
Possibility #1. The skwerls are victims of predation, careless drivers, and/or other natural factors. Population flucuations in skwerl populations are influenced by food supply, the presence or absence of predators, human "error" and environmental conditions. Even under the best of conditions, a slight variation from the norm may cause populations to shrink. However, we do question whether fluffy little cats can cause a significant decline in skwerl populations. Our research suggests that cats are just as willing to turn to the skwerl side as to struggle against it...
See skwerlhugging kitty in action...
Possibility #2. There aren't enough white skwerls to perpetuate the population. White skwerls are the result of a lack of melanin production. The white color results from the reflection of light from cells containing no melanin. Although the white variation can occur at any time even in all gray populations, it's less likely to occur as the white population decreases and genes causing the variation become "dormant". The only solution to this problem would be a captive breeding program to encourage the birth of demonic white skwerls over simply maniacal gray nutzys.
Possibility #3. Olney is exporting terrorist skwerls to points known and unknown. If you've been checking our Skwerls in the News section, you may have noticed a disturbing trend. White skwerls are being spotted in more and more areas, most recently in Maryland and in Wallington, Surrey, England (pictured at right).
So, doesn't it seem likely that Olney's skwerlhuggers are exaggerating the decline in its white skwerl population while hiding the fact that they are shipping the slavering blancos elsewhere in an effort to spread squirrel world domination?
OLNEY'S MISSING SKWERLS - WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Olney white squirrel photos courtesy of Tim Dunahee
Patriots, whatever the reason for the decline in Olney's white squirrel population, the fact remains, the town is a bastion of skwerlhuggery as this final example, a clip from a Peter Martz/Tim Dunahee musical tribute clearly demonstrates...
CITY OF OLNEY WHITE SQUIRREL PAGE
BREVARD, NC WHITE SQUIRREL FESTIVAL
EXETER'S WHITE SQUIRRELS
MARIONVILLE, OH: HOME OF THE WHITE SQUIRRELS
KENTON, TN: HOME OF THE WHITE SQUIRRELS
THE ALBINO SQUIRREL PRESERVATION SOCIETY
MORE VACTIONERS BEWARE
ARE THERE SQUIRRELS IN HEAVEN