Patriots, insidious skwerlien plots are hatched everyday. And everyday the bushytail horde goes to extremes to conceal its conspiracies and mask the true purpose of its machinations.
Sometimes, the skwerlballs' schemes are transparently obvious; but other times the truth isn't what it seems. Consider the following news brief from Brixton in London, England...
Squirrels on crack
South London Press
NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts' hidden stashes.
The furry animals are thought to be behind a new drugs turf war in Brixton - stealing rocks of crack hidden in front gardens.
Tough police action to rid the town centre of dealers and addicts has seen crackheads abandon their usual drug stash hideouts. But the blitz has displaced some dealing into nearby residential streets.
Drug addicts are known to be hiding small stashes of crack rocks in people's front lawns late at night. Squirrels have been spotted in the same front gardens, seemingly hunting out the buried narcotics.
The discovery has led some residents to speculate that the squirrels are already in the grips of addiction (click skwerl for comment).
One resident, who asked for his name to be withheld, told the South London Press. "I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash. "An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds. "It looked like it knew what it was looking for. "It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging. "It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."
Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US. They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC. The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix.
An RSPCA spokesman said he was unaware of the squirrels taking crack in Brixton.
After the above story broke, we received numerous emails from Patriots, skwerlhuggers, and common Citizens. Some bemoaned the cruel fate of the drug addicted nutzys. Others worried that a skwerlien crime wave would spread in pandemic fashion from Brixton to greater London and beyond.
So, what is the truth of the matter? Consider who stands to gain the most from an England addicted to crack, and who's cunning enough to place in motion the campaign that spawned the Brixton news story: it's Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel - the despotic leader of the Squirrel Enforcement Army.
But why would Tufty encourage drug addiction among his own minions? The answer to that question is so painfully simple... Brixton's skwerls aren't doing crack, they're dealing it...
THE DEALS GO DOWN... BUT WHO'S REALLY TO BLAME?
The sinister genius in Tufty's plot is the way in which skwerls are portrayed as innocent victims. Thus, the myth that skwerls are demurer little fluffs who must be protected at all costs is perpetuated.
This disinformation may fool some, but Patriots everywhere will stand united and vigilant against this latest effort to spread squirrel world domination. The skwerls of Brixton must be stopped!
I think I know one of the ringleaders. He swears he doesn't know Tufty, but I saw him wearing a blue coat the other day and he wouldn't tell me where he got it... Anyway, I have removed the squirrel in question from London and he's now going cold-hamster in Sussex. Hopefully this will stop the skwerl-crack-scourge. I'll keep you posted...
Skwerlian People's Front (not the People's Front of Skwerlia)
the grandpa feeding the squirrel is funny and so is the picture of the red eyed squirrel but i dont get the first picture
f the squirrels...hide ur stash in my garden...64 lilford rd brixton.....concerned animal lover
this is terrible, i eat squirrel every day, and my children get the scraps..... will they become addicts?
Well, at least Bush stated the truth.
evil yet so verry cute
i love squirrels. i feed them drugs & they give me nuts!!!!!!!
I've seen them selling rocks to the geese in Hyde Park. They carry it in their cheek pouches in case the feds are watching, then they hide it under a leaf. Then the gaggle waddles over all nonchalant and pecks arounf till they're totally spaced. They got those red eyes too. Ever wonder why they don't fly south for the winter these days?
You're cracked! But you don't rock.
At first I figured, Skwerls are evil. Never trust them, especially when they are on crack. The ones in Brixton must be stopped at all costs. Capture them. Send them to a place where they can be reformed. And since they have also been dealing it, their plan must be quashed. Tufty must be taken to skwerl jail. He is obviously paying his skwerls in crack to deal it. This may cause the absolute desturction of skwerl kind. They are a threat to humans! If they are not stopped in Brixton, the skwerls may spread to other countries. Oviously it is the first step to an international crack dealership. After further thinking I concluded at Tufty is not the top branch. Who is 'training' these skwerls to do it? Is it a terrorist organization intent on taking down England? Is it a greater skwerl than Tufty? Or is it just crack addicts? Or is it really Tufty? If a human is behind this, the skwerls are concealing their intelligence. If so, why do they need humans to pull this off! ? Maybe these squirrels are working as equals with a human organizaton. STOP THE BRIXTON SKWERLS!
An incredibly Worried patirot,
Skwerlies r innocent!!! they r 2 cute to be hurt/killed/shot!!! i luv em all
thats f ing hilarious!!!!
Man, is the mob gonna be pissed!!!
TUFTY AND SQUIRREL WORLD DOMINATION
URBAN 75 BRIXTON GUIDE
WIKIPEDIA BRIXTON INFO PAGE
Title graphic courtesy of Patriot TC; Thanx to Patriot Fitzpatrick,
Patriot Karen and to everyone else who made this feature possible